Gone are the days when my fears and problems ended with the passing day. Nowadays, the fears and problems in my life keep gnawing at me until I actually face them. No more waiting for the problem to go away. I figured that by writing out what problems I have, I can better come to grips with them and deal with them head-on.
Paying for College
I hate that I didn’t make the right decision earlier when picking a major for college. Now with a degree under my belt, I’ve decided to go back to school for a second degree. But, this time around there are no generous scholarships from the university. I have to use the money that I’ve saved up over the years to pay for my education. The sad thing is that I don’t have enough money to cover the cost of tuition. This means that I’ll have to rely on either loans from the government or from my parents. As someone who values independence, I don’t like that now, after four years of college, I have to rely on others to support my education. It’s unfair to my parents that I didn’t listen to them years ago when they suggested that I change my major. It’s unfair that they have to invest their money on their child instead of on themselves. I’m afraid of the amount of debt that I’ll be in after this is all over. I’m afraid that years after completing my doctorate, I’ll still be in the same place that I am now, but with a lot of debt looming over my shoulders.
Choosing the Right Path
I’ve always struggled with knowing what it is that I want to do. I’ve wanted to be a doctor for the longest time. But as I got older, experienced and learned more things, the profession became less appealing to me. I’ve always wanted to do something involving international relations and with healthcare. However, I don’t know how to get on that track. I want too many things out of my career, and I’m afraid that the ideal career doesn’t exist. When I came to the realization that I really didn’t want to be a doctor, but instead just wanted to prove to myself that I have the potential to be, I became very confused with my life. I suppose my original path involved being a doctor, and now that I don’t consider it to be path that I’ll take, I’ve never been more confused in my life. One night, I didn’t know what to do so I just cried and prayed, something I rarely do these days.
I think it’s very hard for a twenty-year old to decide on a career for the rest of their life. We make so many bad decisions on a daily basis, how are we to stick to a profession for the rest of our lives based on a choice we made in our early stages of adulthood?
There’s so much to consider when choosing the right path career-wise. There’s job stability, benefits,and job outlook to consider. What if after a few more years of education the career I was aiming for is no longer in demand? How will I pay my loans? What if, like with my previous major, I discover at the very end that I don’t like it? What will I do then? I’m fine with the perfect career not existing, but I wish I could know what job could bring me the maximum happiness and stability somehow.
The Person I’m Becoming
Sometimes, I look back at the past four years in college and ask myself “What happened?” I feel that I’ve grown in many ways, but I also feel that I’ve adopted a few traits that I’m not proud of. I’m constantly paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back. I’m constantly worried that I’m the most unsuccessful out of friends. I’m always wondering if I can do have better/cooler friends than the ones that I do have. I’m worried about money more. I’m constantly thinking of ways to increase my savings. I find myself focused more on the monetary part of jobs.
Sometimes I feel that I haven’t lived up to my own expectations. I didn’t expect myself to be on the path that I’m currently on four years ago. I’ve become less involved in the community and a bit reclusive. I’m afraid that years from now, I’ll still be in a downward spiral. I’m afraid that I’ll only be a dreamer and none of my goals will be accomplished.
I feel in a lot of ways I’ve failed. I didn’t achieve the goals that I set for myself. I’ve failed to meet a lot of the standards set forth my parents and culture. Now, I’m afraid I’ll fail once again in my education. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to get accepted into a professional program.
This is a new worry of mine. It’s what I consider to be a back burner worry. Now that a few of my friends are getting married, my parents have been asking about my personal life. I get very uncomfortable with it. I’ve never in my 23 years been in any relationship and I’m always afraid when people get close. I’m my parents’ only child so I do feel that there is this pressure to get married and have kids before I’m thirty.
It worries a bit that I’m not sociable enough to talk to guys and that the path to becoming an old spinster is likely in my future.
There’s so much that I fear everyday. I feel that by sharing and articulating some of my worries, I’m able to have some weight lifted off my shoulders. There are a few things to live by during a long period of worry. Know that life goes on. We should move with time and not dwindle on the past. Thinking about what could have been differently will not change our present or our future. Another thing is that very rarely are you the only one going through the same struggles. With so many people on this planet, someone has been where you are. And with that, I’m able to worry slightly less.